$3.99 Worth of Eternal Shame

Hi friends. (again- I know this is just me and trolls reading this-but let me pretend. I paid 18.00 for this website and I’m going to pretend all fucking 18 dollars worth.)

So. Here we are. It is story time once again. For those that have heard this story (anybody who has ever encountered me) I apologize. (But in that way that isn’t really serious- I’m sort of like “Sorry you’re a jerk who wants me to apologize” about it all.)

Dead Behind the Virtual Eyes- the true, virtual tale of DQ Franchise ownership.

As many of you know, I lived in Tucson, Arizona (Nationally known as:  “Worst Place on Earth, 1999, 2003, 2008, 2009, 2011!) for six long, trying years.

During that time I frequented a street (a single street) that locals called “downtown.” when in fact, it was just a single street where a bunch of Mexican teens hung out sometimes. Great.

On this street was one of the only Dairy Queens I ever saw in Arizona. Now, when you grow up in a small town in the Midwest, you don’t treat DQ like a restaurant. There is never a cold, blustery January afternoon where you say “Lets go to Dairy Queen and grab some sundaes!”

No. It is closed. It closes for winter and it is too cold for sundaes, idiot children. But in Arizona, it is always summer, and you are always getting skin cancer (seriously) and DQ is always open.

DQ terror

I have nightmares that these three are gang raping me while a churro films it.

So one evening, driving around in my pajamas, I decide to go get a DQ blizzard. I was driving around in lounge wear because I felt like it. I worked two jobs, like, a gazillion hours a week, and I wanted to go drive “downtown” to spend 4 dollars on shortening my lifespan. So off I go, to the DQ which, at 8pm on a weeknight is crazy busy.

So I pull into the “drive thru” window-because I’m in pajamas, and like the sad and morbidly obese white girl I am, I like to order my food with the least amount of human interaction.

This is also the name of the home-made porn I'm currently shopping around.

So the drive thru is packed. The drive thru has begun to spill out onto the street and people are milling around all over and its just a crazy orgy of people all trying to get dilly bars. (Nobody. I mean, NOBODY was ordering dilly bars. This isn’t 1979, and nobody, not even in Arizona, is that fucking hard up for an ice cream bar-that they would order that shit)

Though I have never been associated with DQ...I was awkwardly driving this around when cravings struck

So I finally make my way up to the drive-thru window and I order a large Oreo Blizzard, and they’re in there- whipping it around, scooping delicious oreos into aerated ice cream, and all the sudden, my car sort of..shifts..and sighs…and turns off.

I try to re-start. Nothing. I look in my rear view mirror and see, like, fifty cars all waiting to experience the hot-fudge orgasm that is a Pecan mudslide*

My car will not start. I’m stuck at the window of a drive-thru Dairy Queen. This is my life. These are my choices. I’m wearing Target pajamas and I am a sitting duck at a fucking Dairy Queen order window.

So I do the only thing I can. I tell the sweet high school student making minimum wage to serve me a large blizzard that my car just broke’d down in her drive thru lane. To her credit, she doesn’t really blink an eye. She runs out and asks the various Dad’s in the crowd to help push me.

This is where things get really sexy. I try to get out to help push, but all the dads take one look at me and are like “get back in the car. we’re good out here”

I sit on my fatass in my 2007 Chevy Aveo** getting pushed through a Dairy Queen drive-thru lane to an adjacent parking space. In my realization that all I had to do was steer- I start binge eating my blizzard.

That is correct. As 6 Dad’s were pushing my obesity in pajamas, I was blatantly enjoying my ice cream treat going 1 mile per hour through a parking lot, while small children felt embarrassed for me. I am a complete animal, with absolutely no shame.

Here is the best part. My car was not broken. I had run out of gas. Completely run out of gas. Because I had about 5 dollars to my name- and I wanted a blizzard more than I wanted a working vehicle. Is there anything more American than this story? I doubt it.

So I call my ex boyfriend who is pissed. He drives from work, to the DQ parking lot (Where I have my feet up, and I am still enjoying this blizzard) and puts gas in my car-and gives me my dog, who he brought for some reason.

So I go to a gas station to fill up my tank- because, ha, guys-that was sort of embarrassing. And I come back to my car and my seats are all wet. My dog had climbed inside the blizzard and was prancing around with melted oreo ice cream on his paws. It was a great ending to a very uplifting, empowering day.

So that’s me. I have sunk so far below decency that I let my car run out of gas, and had to be manually pushed through a DQ drive-thru while I started eating my oreo blizzard in front of my rescuers. You’re welcome-America.

Oh. So...just because there was a double homocide here, now you're choosing to close early and make ME a victim too? Where does the pain stop?

*I’ll do this for you for 50 bucks or a JCrew giftcard. Find me on Craigslist.

** Jealous? I was on a waitlist for like, 18 months to score these wheels. (No, no I wasn’t)

Pickle Ornaments: Getting kicked out of Epcot: Germany.

Hi.

There are a lot of sad things in this world. A lot of pain, a lot of anger and hurt and suffering. Disease, natural disasters, heartache, lost love, unfair situations, bad timing, addiction, etc.

But there is a lot, a lot, a lot to laugh about. Here is a story that makes me laugh. Followed by a clip that makes me laugh.

“Pickle Ornaments” or… “How my brother and I were asked to leave Epcot Germany”

There are two things you should know:

1. I have a very, very, very dysfunctional family. In fact, I don’t even think the word “functional” should be in there. Nor “family” really.

That being said, we all have great senses of humor. My family is fucking hilarious. My brother Jeff is very funny. He is a different sort of funny than me, but very complimentary. We are the closest age-wise in our family, and during trips, we were always in a room together.

2. At Disney World, my absolute favorite part- is the World Showcase- where you get to walk around miniature versions of other countries and eat their food and buy their shit. I could walk between France and Japan forever. For. Ever.

So. 2004. My father gets us a trip to DisneyWorld for Christmas. We are leaving on January 2nd, 2005 and I am flying back to Arizona from Orlando. I am 19 and Jeff is 16. Bryan is 12.

The trip starts off on a great note-in that I schoolyard a bottle of champagne in my friend Nick’s basement with my ex-boyfriend a half hour before going to the airport with my Dad-where I drink a latte and take sleeping pills for the flight.

You guessed it-those combined to make a great cocktail of meth in my stomach. I wake up and vomit in secret, and spend the next 11 hours shaking uncontrollably and having to lie about why I’m not interested in maxing out at the Disney brunch buffet. I think I pulled it off-but then again, my father knows I don’t turn down mini french toast shaped like animals for anything short of death.

I've eaten 14 of these in one sitting

Don't even ask what happened to me in their soda shop. A story for another time.

We stay at the Yacht Club-or whatever it is called. An amazing hotel that allows us to walk right over to Epcot’s World Showcase and enjoy the pleasantries of Canada World! or Mexico World!

Homeland* Unless you ask one or two "frowned upon" questions

But this was an interesting time to go to Disney World. It was so soon after the holidays that there is literally nobody there. But it is nice because all the Christmas stuff is still up. So, of course, at all the nations in Epcot’s World Showcase-they have trees and ornaments, and holiday decor up. Except, of course at the Muslim nations.

hahahahhahahaha just kidding. There aren’t any Muslim nations at World Showcase. What’s wrong with you?

Enter: Jeff and Nikki Ulrich.

See that last name? It is 200% German. See those two kids? They were once screamed at by British police for shouting “We did it then-we will do it again-Revolutionary War 2002!!!!!” In a crowded British airport.

The train is on the tracks people- it is heading for a crash.

"Please take your brother and leave"

So at some point Jeff and I are out on our own, and we’re perusing the merchandise at Epcot Germany.

A lot of large German Steins, some carved with the entire history of Germany…sort of.

A lot of marionettes, German figures, leiderhosen, clocks, and historical German items

Then there are the trees- the large trees decked out with ornaments. A lot of glass pickle ornaments. A lot.

Because this is normal behavior for a master race of people.

So I’m looking around and I’m a little perturbed. I consult with Jeff-who shares my ideology.  Listen, if I wanted a fucking glass pickle ornament I would have driven twenty minutes and picked one up with a sauerbraten to-go. Okay? I came to Epcot Germany for a FULL FUCKING GERMANY EXPERIENCE.

And we weren’t getting it. Here’s a hint- there was a very specific time period missing on the “History of Germany” items.

Hitler Youth?

So after talking with Jeff- we approached the counter. You know, at these places-they import people from the actual countries to work there. In case you didn’t know this-you only see people from Germany at Epcot Germany. It is a Disney Scholarship program. It is a great idea, and lends to the authenticity of Epcot! Malawi! (a kiosk hut outside of Epcot Mexico)(Seriously.)

So we approach the Germans working and we utter what will seal our fate: “Where do you keep the good ornaments?”

blank stares.

“Uh, ya know- the ones from um…war time”

confused stares that are quickly turning into looks of horror

Jeff– “Listen I’m looking for some Third Reich ornaments. Okay. Are they behind the counter? Or… Because I checked in all the little wicker baskets under the trees and all I can find are glass pickles”

The girl whispers to another worker. They both stare. A manager comes out and Jeff repeats his question.

“We don’t carry any memorabilia of that nature-and I think you two should find your way out, and not return for the remainder of your time at Disney”

I really love what they've done with the glitter.

I mean-that’s fine, but now my “Genocide through the ages” Christmas tree theme continues to be incomplete.

And, for your viewing pleasure-

Pro Thunderball from the best sketch comedy show in history: Matt Besser is the best part.