A Text Conversation with our Mother.

The following is a conversation between Jeffrey and our mother. It has been transcribed in its entirety and all spelling errors are original to the text.  Our thought process is- if we have to live with this-so shall you. Also, welcome to posts authored, or co-authored, by Jeff.

Text Messages 12/16/2011

Mom: How are you?

Jeff: I’m good. I’m writing jokes.

Mom: For what?

Jeff: For laughs

Mom: I think you will be able to do that. What do I have so far?

Jeff: (not wanting to respond seriously because I am playing video games…) I just can’t stop drawing monkeys

Mom: Monkey see monkey do

Mom: How about this.

Mom: I never met a monkey that wasn’t monkeylicious.

Mom: Are monkeys mans best fiend?*

Mom: How many monkeys does it take to screw in a lightnulb?**

Mom: The answer is. enough.

Mom: funny. I just made that up!

Mom: Why did the monkey go to the zoo. Answer. To see the chimps. I just made that up.

Jeff: Those are hilarious. I can’t believe you thought of those yourself

Mom: you are mocking me aren’t you?

Jeff: Very much so. Those jokes make no sense.

Mom: They do to me, and I bet you laughed too. What are your monkey jokes?

. . . . .

Mom: Lets talk about Christmas.

*we believe this should read “friend” but Jeff belives bonnaboo monkeys are actually man’s best fiend, as they are evolving at a rate that is dangerous to humans. Is she a secret genius? Or just lucky?

** If we knew what a lightnulb was, an answer may be within our grasp. Unfortunately. We may never know.


Pickle Ornaments: Getting kicked out of Epcot: Germany.


There are a lot of sad things in this world. A lot of pain, a lot of anger and hurt and suffering. Disease, natural disasters, heartache, lost love, unfair situations, bad timing, addiction, etc.

But there is a lot, a lot, a lot to laugh about. Here is a story that makes me laugh. Followed by a clip that makes me laugh.

“Pickle Ornaments” or… “How my brother and I were asked to leave Epcot Germany”

There are two things you should know:

1. I have a very, very, very dysfunctional family. In fact, I don’t even think the word “functional” should be in there. Nor “family” really.

That being said, we all have great senses of humor. My family is fucking hilarious. My brother Jeff is very funny. He is a different sort of funny than me, but very complimentary. We are the closest age-wise in our family, and during trips, we were always in a room together.

2. At Disney World, my absolute favorite part- is the World Showcase- where you get to walk around miniature versions of other countries and eat their food and buy their shit. I could walk between France and Japan forever. For. Ever.

So. 2004. My father gets us a trip to DisneyWorld for Christmas. We are leaving on January 2nd, 2005 and I am flying back to Arizona from Orlando. I am 19 and Jeff is 16. Bryan is 12.

The trip starts off on a great note-in that I schoolyard a bottle of champagne in my friend Nick’s basement with my ex-boyfriend a half hour before going to the airport with my Dad-where I drink a latte and take sleeping pills for the flight.

You guessed it-those combined to make a great cocktail of meth in my stomach. I wake up and vomit in secret, and spend the next 11 hours shaking uncontrollably and having to lie about why I’m not interested in maxing out at the Disney brunch buffet. I think I pulled it off-but then again, my father knows I don’t turn down mini french toast shaped like animals for anything short of death.

I've eaten 14 of these in one sitting

Don't even ask what happened to me in their soda shop. A story for another time.

We stay at the Yacht Club-or whatever it is called. An amazing hotel that allows us to walk right over to Epcot’s World Showcase and enjoy the pleasantries of Canada World! or Mexico World!

Homeland* Unless you ask one or two "frowned upon" questions

But this was an interesting time to go to Disney World. It was so soon after the holidays that there is literally nobody there. But it is nice because all the Christmas stuff is still up. So, of course, at all the nations in Epcot’s World Showcase-they have trees and ornaments, and holiday decor up. Except, of course at the Muslim nations.

hahahahhahahaha just kidding. There aren’t any Muslim nations at World Showcase. What’s wrong with you?

Enter: Jeff and Nikki Ulrich.

See that last name? It is 200% German. See those two kids? They were once screamed at by British police for shouting “We did it then-we will do it again-Revolutionary War 2002!!!!!” In a crowded British airport.

The train is on the tracks people- it is heading for a crash.

"Please take your brother and leave"

So at some point Jeff and I are out on our own, and we’re perusing the merchandise at Epcot Germany.

A lot of large German Steins, some carved with the entire history of Germany…sort of.

A lot of marionettes, German figures, leiderhosen, clocks, and historical German items

Then there are the trees- the large trees decked out with ornaments. A lot of glass pickle ornaments. A lot.

Because this is normal behavior for a master race of people.

So I’m looking around and I’m a little perturbed. I consult with Jeff-who shares my ideology.  Listen, if I wanted a fucking glass pickle ornament I would have driven twenty minutes and picked one up with a sauerbraten to-go. Okay? I came to Epcot Germany for a FULL FUCKING GERMANY EXPERIENCE.

And we weren’t getting it. Here’s a hint- there was a very specific time period missing on the “History of Germany” items.

Hitler Youth?

So after talking with Jeff- we approached the counter. You know, at these places-they import people from the actual countries to work there. In case you didn’t know this-you only see people from Germany at Epcot Germany. It is a Disney Scholarship program. It is a great idea, and lends to the authenticity of Epcot! Malawi! (a kiosk hut outside of Epcot Mexico)(Seriously.)

So we approach the Germans working and we utter what will seal our fate: “Where do you keep the good ornaments?”

blank stares.

“Uh, ya know- the ones from um…war time”

confused stares that are quickly turning into looks of horror

Jeff– “Listen I’m looking for some Third Reich ornaments. Okay. Are they behind the counter? Or… Because I checked in all the little wicker baskets under the trees and all I can find are glass pickles”

The girl whispers to another worker. They both stare. A manager comes out and Jeff repeats his question.

“We don’t carry any memorabilia of that nature-and I think you two should find your way out, and not return for the remainder of your time at Disney”

I really love what they've done with the glitter.

I mean-that’s fine, but now my “Genocide through the ages” Christmas tree theme continues to be incomplete.

And, for your viewing pleasure-

Pro Thunderball from the best sketch comedy show in history: Matt Besser is the best part.